Who cares about title

Have you ever noticed that life goes by itself, without your control, like you don’t have power over it?

Sometimes you might feel so full of energy and plans, and goals, and dreams, and ambition. But then suddenly you might find yourself exhausted and empty.

I start thinking what have happened to that girl, who has so opened-minded and positive inside (because I never showed my positivity). Why all of the sudden I feel so lost.

Usually New Year was my favorite time of the year: time for magic beginning. I found nothing so pleasing as planning my year ahead, writing down everything I want to achieve in a pretty notebook with colorful pens.

Now I am sitting at work and mentally shouting at myself for being so useless. I can’t make myself do things. I can’t write emails, search for connections, convince people to work with my company, monitor the performance in stupid boring programs, write educational posts, plan a lesson and the new lesson plan for the term. I can’t even make myself stand up and get a cup of tea.

If I had magic powers I would be in a forest now. Alone. Looking at the river. Still.

No worries for the future. No thoughts that you’re 30 soon and you don’t have a high-paid job, an apartment, a dog, a child, opportunity to travel, and work at the place where you’re needed and at the job which brings you joy. No thoughts that you have not achieved anything from your every-year since you are 16 list, that you don’t have friends and don’t “go out with girls” every Saturday or Friday to have a cocktail and to talk about everything.

No thoughts that you’re not able to take care of your mom, that you don’t have money to help your dad or energy to visit your gran every week.

No thoughts that you can’t motivate your husband to be alive with you, because you’re not anymore. But deep down you want to. Simple things: exercise together, go to the cinema after work in the middle of the week, go for long walks around the city or in the same fucking forest you imagine as your safe place, take a bus to the sea, go to the mountains over the weekend to breath fresh air and drink mullet wine, read a book together or draw a picture even if you’re both horrible with paints.

Just stand in my forest and breath. It will be better. The life will come back to me eventually. And if not I’ll force myself to find it. Because I am still positive inside, deep down inside.